Monday, May 22, 2017

Just some more thoughts on the idea of Mother.

Well another Mother's Day has come and gone.  And I have been too preoccupied with surgeries, guests, and traveling to think much about it.  But I figure I want to write down my most recent thoughts about the idea of Mother's Day.

Typically I am not in favor of changing something or altering things in the favor of the minority.  But Mother's Day is a tricky weird sensitive day for SO many.  So many that I am not even going to begin to list all the scenarios that could create tricky weird or sensitive feelings for people.

So I for one have concluded I wish the day did not exist.

That being said, I do want to write about my feelings of being a mother.  Because I have been in all sorts of camps in my short 34 years.  I have been in the single camp. (probably the most challenging and trying for me personally.)  It is during these years that I truly feel I learned about faith, patience, loneliness, and absolute heart ache in a way that I know I needed.  I have been in the infertility camp.  These years of course lead to questioning, comparison, and heart ache in a new and different way than being single.  And now I am in the working mom camp filled with a different kind of heart ache, worry, and a festering jealousy that is difficult to describe.  But there are many other camps.  Those like I previously stated I will not even try to list.

Motherhood is a very tricky thing.  In all directions, from those who have too much of it, those who didn't have enough of it, and those who don't get to actively be it.  It is all tricky.  And I think that is on purpose.  I truly believe I was created to fulfuill this role.  This insanely large impossible to be perfect role. Because it is so important, so vital to the plan and creation that it makes it super duper sensitive in all directions.

It's been an interesting, difficult week.  Because of my surgery I haven't been able to pick up Brad.  Who knew how insanely difficult that would be!  It has been much more emotional that I anticipated.  I've had to try to rely on others which goes against my strongest nature and brought out an ugly side of me.  I am super sensitive and on edge about it and him.  Finally because I am not healing properly Jason and I decided it would be best for Brad to go to Christine's house. (His sitter who he LOVES dearly.)  So Thursday and Friday I sat at my house with nothing to do.  It was a drastic change from what my life has been like for the last 16 months.  It is the first time in 16 months that I have had a block of 8 hours with no pressing engagements.

As a mom, the thought of uninterrupted peaceful block of time is a dream.  Sadly, of course the number 1 thing I'd like to do with my free time is go running or bust out my road bike or to the gym and I couldn't do any of those.  So I watched Netflix and went shopping. Or I should say I tried to go shopping but when I heard a baby cry my heart ached so badly I left and went home.  And once again I realized how much being a mom has changed me.

My dad always says, "Once you have a kid, kiss the good nights of sleep goodbye.  I haven't slept a whole night through in 43 years."  Luckily, although I thought this might actually never happen, Brad sleeps through the night 99.9% of the time.  So although what my dad said isn't completely accurate, there are definitely things that you kiss goodbye when you become a mother.

There are all sorts of clickbate articles of the 10 things that no one tells you before having a kid.  Some are probably true shocking while others of course are obvious.  But there has been one thing that has shocked me that has changed.  I feel like my body *minus my bladder* is exactly the same or better than before I had a baby.  The pregnancy brain luckily went away. (That was weird) Or maybe  I am just stupider now than before.  (Yes I said stupider on purpose, it was supposed to be funny)  The biggest change that has happened is an overwhelming love, concern, and absolute heart wrenching attachment to not just Brad but ALL children.  It is absolute AWFUL.  Yes we were at a festival the other day and there was a 2-3 year old girl crying, "Where is my mommy and daddy?"  Instantly I was a wreck.  I saw woman grabbed the girl and it looked like the girl was swatting away the woman.  I was afraid she was getting kidnapped.  I followed the woman and the girl just to make sure that within a few moments the tantrum was over and the girl was fine with this woman.  BUT WHAT IN THE WORLD made this my business??!?! For some reason, since having a baby, every cry tugs at my heart, any tragic story about children is almost unbearable.  I cannot even read the news anymore!  It destroys me.

Really, if there is one thing that has changed the most it is that.  This overwhelming emotional attachment to all babies.  It is awful.  I had never noticed before how many books, movies, storylines, news articles are about horrible things happening to babies.  Every single one of them absolutely destroy me.  (Real fast, it's not like I was some kind of robotic monster before having a baby.  I was still sad when things happened to kids but it didn't destroy me.)

So now, 2 Mother's Days into being an actual Mom, I still saying being lucky enough to be Brad's parent with Jason has been the most wonderful blessing of my life. There is nothing that even compares to the joy and happiness he has brought us.  And I guess I feel about Mother's Day the same way I feel about Valentine's Day.  I am lucky enough to feel the love and appreciation of a lover and a baby every single day of the year, why do I need a specific day to celebrate?

But hey, I always love an occasion to take another picture!

Oh the difference of a year.

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