Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Are you excited???

Of all the questions I have been asked during my 196 days of being pregnant, "Are you excited?" is probably the most awkward question I am constantly asked.  I don't know exactly why I make it so awkward.  It doesn't have to be awkward.  It's a simple question and obviously after years and years of wanting to be a mom more than anything in the whole wide world, it should be an easy answer.

But like all too many things in my existence, I can't just simply let it be easy.

I guess because sometimes I feel like it's a trick question people are asking.  When I say people, I really mean parents.  When someone that is already a parent asked me if I am excited to have a baby I feel like some are just waiting to crush the excitement.  Because the next thing that almost automatically comes out of their mouth is something like, "You'll never get a good nights sleep again." or "You won't be able to play like you have in the past." or  in other words, some version of, "You have no idea how terrible it is going to be."

Or just the opposite response comes out of the mouth of a parent.  How great, how wonderful, how unreal the experience of loving someone or something as much as a parent loves a child.

But the bottom line is, with each time I am asked that question, I almost feel like it's a test to see if I am naive enough to say yes. 

And although I am naive about what it will really be like to be a parent, this is clearly not my first rodeo.  I have been around long enough to know that , "what we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: tis' dearness only that gives everything its value…"  That if the experience of being a parent truly invokes the feelings that parents say it does (which I am positive it does) I know that it is going to be far from easy.  I know it will probably be the hardest thing I ever experience.  And with that kind of challenge ahead, how do I flippantly say, "Yes! I am so excited."

The best example of what I feel like I am experiencing is the weekend that my little brother and I took one of the girls he converted on his mission in Norway to Disneyland.  I lovingly refer to her as my African Princess.  Because she literally was an African Princess..... but that's a whole 'nother story.  This girl had experienced a lot in her 20 years of life..... and sadly Disneyland wasn't one of those experiences.  I remember the night before we went to Disneyland, Chad and I almost couldn't sleep we were so excited.  We planned out a strategy of how we were going to hit up every single one of our favorite rides while managing to make it both to World of Color and the firework show and eat all of our favorite foods all in one day.  As we talked about our plans, Barbie just sat there puzzled by our excitement.  I mean I think she really wanted to be a part of the conversation.  I think she wanted to be excited, but she couldn't truly understand what she was in for.  Of course we woke up super early to get to Disneyland right as it opened.  Barbie saw the park hours that day were from 8 to midnight and was so confused on why oh why did we have to get there before 8 am!  Was 16 hours of Disneyland really necessary???  Chad and I practically had to drag her along as we ran to the entrance.  I just remember how she wanted to be excited, she did.  But no matter how hard she tried she really couldn't be because she had no idea what the day ahead would look like.

My favorite part of the whole experience of taking someone who had never been to Disneyland was to watch how as the day progressed, her excitement levels grew with every single experience.  So much so that by the end of the day she was the one running from ride to ride hoping to pack in as much as she possible could before the park closed. 

But no matter how we tried to prepare her before we arrived, there was no way for her to even grasp what was ahead.

And that is exactly how I feel about becoming a mom. 

As I lay awake at 1:23 am on a school night feeling this little human inside my belly kicking and punching me, I know I have no idea what it is actually going to feel like to love him like I've never loved anything before. There is no way I can grasp that kind of love.  No way to grasp the sacrifice required.  The worrying that will happen.  I know I have no idea.

And so am I excited? 

I have no idea.

Thursday, October 8, 2015


It's almost scary, when life is pretty darn wonderful.  It's like I just want to hold me breath and wait for my world to come crashing down.  Because if there is one thing to be certain, my world will crash down.  Maybe that's a pessimistic way to look at it.  Maybe I am too negative.  But I like to think that I am just realistic.

I have learned time and time again that whenever I put my trust or happiness in anything besides the Gospel of Jesus Christ it will fail me.  

Now of course life is far far far from perfect.  Life as a 6 month pregnant full time working girl is no fun.  I wake up and can't wait for the moment that I get to lay back down on my couch again.  There are still trials and hardships swirling around me constantly.

But right now, I am just ridiculously happy and satisfied with life.  And for this moment, I need to seriously bask in it.

Why is life so wonderful?

Education sucks.  The system is so ridiculously flawed it makes me want to bang my head against the wall.  But for some reason recently, I've become completely apathathetic to it. Now that sound insane that I am basking in the glory of that.  But seriously, it's wonderful.  I used to come home with rage shooting out of my eye balls.  And now, Jason gets home from school and asks me how school was and I say, "It was good."  I've almost got all my students trained.  I've figured out to manage my crappy terrible classes.  My good classes are wonderful.  So teaching is good.  But the best part, I absolutely adore the grumpy old men that I work with.  Adore.  And I feel so lucky every day that I get to associate with such wonderful men.  AND my kindred spirit, bosom buddy, soul mate friend (P.S. she may never have seen Anne of Green Gables and she STILL is this wonderful in my eyes, is returning to work at my school.  Life is good.)

Oh Jason.  He is absolutely wonderful.  Don't tell him this, he hates attention, but he was MADE for dental school.  And I think watching the person you love the very most be an absolute rock star after years of a lot of blood, sweat, and tears is honestly way more wonderful than being a rock star yourself.  Don't get me wrong, dental school is hard work.  But he is doing so well it is amazing.  And I feel so lucky to be the front row spectator watching.

Rough times are coming, I know it.  But for this one moment I am so happy to kick back, put my feet up, and be unbelievably grateful for the life God has given me.