Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Things I Never Post

Sometimes in the early morning I like to go through my old blogposts.  Not the ones I've posted... the ones I didn't post.  The ones that I thought were too revealing, too exposing, made me too vulnerable.  Someday maybe I'll make a blog book of just those posts.  But until then.... I was reading through and found this gem.  It's funny how life has changed so drastically since I wrote this post but the concept still exists.  The longing is still there.

So here is a post that was written probably 5 years agoish.

I'm so happy for you.

It's an interesting statement.  What does it mean?  Really?  "I'm happy for you."  I mean easily I could say, "That's fantastic news." or "How wonderful!"  but for some reason there are times when someone tells me something and the only fitting thing to say is, "I'm so happy for you."

It should be a happy statement right?  It clearly means that someone I care about has some wonderful news... something worth celebrating is happening in their life.  I should be thrilled to say it.  But I think there is an underlying reason why we say "I'm so happy for you" rather than an easier statement like, "That's great!"  I think it has to do with our journey through this life together.  We say this statement to people we've been traveling together with on this stretch of the journey.  We understand how much this person wanted whatever they are finally getting.... but even more than that, underlying "I'm so happy for you" is the jealousy of wishing for the same thing.

Well this week was a brutal week for me and that statement.

Saying it once, I can handle just fine. I can smile... hide the pain.... and pretend to be happy.

Twice, I'm tough, I can take it. (Although Lars might beg to differ.  When he asked about the phone call when I had to say it, he saw huge alligator tears.  His poor roommate who was in the room at the time was so confused by my tears that in her thick German accent she said, "Uh, I go make tea.")

But by the end of today when I had to say it the third time.... Three people who have been on this journey with me for the past five years.... Three times this week I had to grin and lie through my teeth.  It was exhausting.  One was a phone call telling me they are having a baby.  One was the text message telling me that she said yes.  And one was in person, which is always the hardest to fake it, when I randomly ran into an old crush and his fiance.

I can't wait for the day that I finally get to hear someone say  to me, "I'm just so happy for you."  Scratch that.  More important, I can't wait for the day that I say, "I am just so happy for you!" and mean it.

Ok, back to present time.

Oh how things have changed over the last 5 years since I wrote that post.  What hasn't changed is there will always be people who are getting exactly what we want, things that we long for, things that we think we deserve.  But what I really do hope I am learning with time and experience is, life is so much better being happy for them.  Relishing in their joy and celebration.  Not with the mind set that "Someday I'll be happy too." but just being happy now.  I saw this on Instagram this morning.

Although she is talking about races, I want to feel this way about life.  So my goal for 2015, not wait for anything to be happy.   Be content in the moment and enjoy the ride.

No comments: