Wednesday, April 9, 2014

The Smell of Summer

Maybe I should rename this blog, "Kristin's venue to explore her feelings."  Because often times that's what I feel this is.  (Although clearly when there are any really interesting feelings going on, I don't post it..... so sorry, how boring for you.)

But tonight I started to feel it.  Maybe it's because the window is open as I'm going to bed.... or maybe it's because the trees are blooming, the sun has been shining, and the world is happy again..... the dark looming feeling that summer is coming.

Crazy.  I know.  I am a teacher.  We live for summer. (Fall break, Thanksgiving Break, Christmas Break, the two Monday holidays in winter, and of course Spring Break as well)  But we love summer.  Except.  It's not always true.  I hate the end of school.  Every year I hate it.  I've always hated it.  I hate goodbyes.  (We've talked about how I will sneak away rather than having to deal with awkward goodbyes, yes I am so so so strange like that)  (I'm sure some people are probably offended.... until they know me well enough that I really am just strange like that)

I hate that now that I love these kids.  Now that they love me.  They leave.  Sure they say they'll come and visit.  Sure they actually do.  But for the most part I know what they will quickly realize the first time they come back.  It is never the same.  So every time I feel summer coming my heart just starts to ache.  These last 6 weeks (who's counting?) are hands down my favorite time of the year.  But every time without fail I feel like I should be leaving with them.  Growing up, changing.  Never to return again. But then I realize I am stuck.  I don't get to grow up, change.  I am in NeverNeverLand just waiting for the next group of Lost Boys to come along for me to train.  I give my heart and soul to them every year.  And every time I get a new group the same feelings come.  Every time I feel like it won't be the same.  Every time I feel like I won't love them as much.  But 8 months later I feel the same ache I did last April/May.  The same longing to move on with them.  To help them in the next stage.  Guide them even further into high school and who knows even college.  I dream of helping these kids for years to come... But then I remember..... I am still stuck in the junior high.  Dealing with the same junior high drama..... forever.  And so the vicious cycle continues.  The poor life and heart of a junior high teacher.

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