Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Why aren’t you married?

In the history of perplexing subjects this question probably doesn’t carry very much weight in the minds of intellectuals… Now by no means do I consider myself an intellectual but I find it much easier to answer a question like, "What is the meaning of life" compared to this ridiculous question. But at 7:45 this morning when another student asked me this question I decided once and for all I would answer this question:

As a small child I learned a lesson that I have tried to implement. I learned that the purpose of life was to get from here to death as painlessly as possible. I have tried to apply this in every aspect. It started with pulling weeds in our large Idaho garden. With every carrot I didn’t eat I would have to pull another row of weeds. It didn’t take me long to realize the easiest way to pull weeds was to cover the obnoxious plants with soil looking like there were no weeds at all. It was brilliant way to get exactly what I wanted… play outside and not have to eat my carrots. When I started school it wasn’t long when I learned another brilliant plan. Instead of learning how to read I just memorized all of the stories by the pictures. The teacher thought I was brilliant and I got to color. The worst part of playing high school sports was the conditioning; running back and forth getting dizzy from bending down to touch each line. That was until I realized I really didn’t have to touch the line, I could just bend down a little and it looked like I touched the line. Not only did I not get dizzy but I took whole seconds off my time! Pretty soon I was in the front of the pack of stampeding girls rather than the back.

Now some of you might be wondering how covering up weeds, memorizing Dick and Jane stories and basketball suicides could possibly explain why I’m not married. Since I have been trying to implement my motto of as painlessly as possible it’s only obviously that living single is the painless way to live. Life is so much easier alone… cheaper health insurance, frequent free meals, no one steals the covers, all holidays with your family, exciting singles ward activities, your own bedroom, personal bank account, and most important…. all the time in the world! Not to mention what happens when you start having children! No free time, a ruined body, zero sleep, no vacations, little excess spending money, piles of dishes and laundry that never ends. And that is why I am not married…. Who needs eternal salvation?

Monday, May 19, 2008

Crab legs, Corn on the Cob, and Sourdough Bread

Now many of you may be wondering what I crustacean, a vegetable, and a baked good could possibly have in common. And honestly I realize... not much. But the three of my favorite foods made me come to a realization that I feel is worth considering.
I have very fond memories of all of these foods. Filling up on the complimentary sourdough bread at the local steak house, biting into the crisp kernels of corn on a hot day in August, or spending hours searching for the treasure hidden deep within the crab shells. Just talking about these foods makes my mouth water.
It wasn't until I ate crab at some cheap crab shack in Annapolis, Maryland that I cam to this shocking realization. Crab with imitation butter just tastes like oily fish, corn on the cob with margarine just tastes like bagged frozen corn, and sourdough bread without the sweet taste of creamy butter is just rotten tasting bread.
All these years I thought my love food was vast and wide but no longer am I deceived. Don't waste your money on crab, corn or bread... just give me a stick of butter.